More Than A Memory
by Kogo Shuko
Summary: Rachel dreams of Kisten again... but are they just dreams?
1. More Than A Memory

I sat across from Kisten, dangling my legs over the edge of Ivy's leather chair. Kisten sat on the edge of the couch, arms across the back, his legs stretched out before him. It was becoming a nightly thing, seeing Kisten. In my dreams. But I would take him any way I could.

I knew I would wake up; I knew this would end. But all I had to do was survive the next day before I could go back to sleep, and see him again. His dyed blonde hair fell about his shoulders, and he always had a day's growth of stubble. He wore tightly fitting black jeans, and a dark red silk shirt that I enjoyed running my fingers over. And not once in my dreams did his blue eyes ever lose their colour. Now that he was gone, and but a memory, he was always in control, no matter how much pheromones he gave off.

I hadn't told anyone about the dreams, but Ivy knew something was up. She wasn't accustomed to my going to bed very early. She didn't like this either. Living with a grumpy vampire made life interesting, but even the slightest thing could set her off.

"Are these just dreams, Kisten?" I asked, swinging my legs against the side of the chair.

"What do you think, love?" Kisten asked in returned, using that fake accent. I threw a magazine at him, and he caught it deftly in his left hand. Stupid vamp speed.

I pondered this for some time. "I don't know. I don't think it is. If it were just a dream, I wouldn't be having it each night." I finally sat up straight, and faced him squarely. "Why are you here?" I asked, "What do you want to tell me?"

Kisten cocked his head to the side, "Why do you think I want to tell you something?"

"Well, why else would you be here?" I asked, tired of trying to figure this out.

"Perhaps I'm not ready to move on yet," Kisten said, and gestured for me to join him on the couch. I moved around the coffee table and sunk into the couch beside him, immediately comfortable with his arm around my shoulder and his heat pressing against me. I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Why wouldn't you be?"

Kist crossed his legs at the ankles, and leaned closer to me, allowing me to get lost in the mix of leather and vamp incense he gave off.

"I'm not ready to let you go yet," he admitted, and his fingers began to play with the red curls brushing my shoulder. He took a breath, "I know it's selfish of me, but I can't help it. I need to take every moment I can with you, before I go."

He kissed the top of my head and sighed. "We didn't get much time while I was still alive, did we?"

I reached out my hand and rested it against his rough cheek, quiet. "I guess not," I whispered and turned my head to look at him. His light blue eyes gazed into my soul as I tried to memorize his face for the day to come. I didn't ever want to forget it. I wasn't ready to move on. I wanted to stay right here in this fragile moment of time.

"Is it wrong of me to string both of us along?" he asked, lifting a hand to trail a line down my jaw line, as if he wanted to memorize the angles of my face.

Before I could even begin to answer the question, he leaned in and kissed me, letting it linger. I turned to face him, and wound my arms around his neck. The time for words was over, and I got lost in our kisses.

As Kisten's hands roved my body, and my own discovered his anew, I felt it coming. The moment I would be forced to awaken. It was always inevitable, and at the wrong moment. I pulled my arms around his neck once more, and scooted closer to him until I was almost straddling the living vamp. Looking down into his blue eyes, I held on tight to him, not wanting to lose this moment. "I love you, Kisten," I said, and felt an ache in my heart knowing I had only spoken those words to him once while he was alive.

Kisten reached up and planted one last sweet kiss upon my lips, his sharp teeth grazing my skin. "I love you, too," came his reply. He opened his mouth to say more, but a crash outside my bedroom door jarred me awake.

Jumping out of bed, I was already in a sour mood. It happened without fail. Something would interrupt my dream just when it was finally getting good. Scowling, I threw open the door, and stormed into the kitchen, to find pixies scattered throughout the room. Jenks was nowhere to be found, and his children had knocked not one, not two, but all the pots onto the floor. I had woken to put away dishes?!

As the pixies got a good look at the sour expression on my face, they stopped talking. "We're sorry, Miss Rachel. We'll clean it up!" came a tiny voice, but I ignored them. With tears in my eyes, I knelt down and began to pick up the pots.

I knew now that my dreams were more than a memory. And I would just have to get by day by day, waiting for night to fall, so I could catch another few moments with him. If Kisten were selfish to fill up my dreams, I would let him. Because I was just as selfish – I didn't want him to move on. I wanted him to stay with me forever.


	2. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I sat across from Kisten, in a long black dress, heeled shoes making me uncomfortable. We were at the top of Carew Tower in the revolving restaurant, and I reflected on how my dreams were progressing each time Kisten visited me.

This was different than seeing him in a café, or sitting with him in my living room. We were at Carew Tower, and there was a delicious meal in front of me, and a glass of that raspberry water Kisten had introduced to me. I twirled my fork through the pasta in front of me, while Kisten picked at his roast duck. I was touched that he'd bring me here, but all I really wanted to do was curl up with him somewhere quiet, and listen to his still beating heart.

I brought a bite of the pasta to my lips, and closed my eyes in bliss at the explosion of flavour. I briefly wondered how a dream could be so vivid, but presently ignored the thought as I reopened my eyes to find Kisten staring at me from across the table, his blue eyes smiling.

My heart broke a little at that moment. Kisten would forever continue to love me in my dreams, but I still had to live my life without him. I missed his blue eyes, I missed his smile, I missed everything about him, and I feared that one day the pain would go away completely. I would stop missing my love, and he would cease to exist in my dreams.

Not so hungry anymore, I pushed my plate away from me. "Kisten," I began, needing to talk to him, say something serious for once.

Kisten looked up from his plate, "Yes, love?"

Almost choking on the words, I took a sip of the raspberry water, and spit out the words, "Do you remember that night?"

Kisten's eyes clouded over, as memories cascaded upon him. "Yes, I do," he said quietly.

I waited for him to continue, and when he didn't, I finished off my water, and reached across the table to hold his hand. He squeezed my fingers in recognition as he gathered himself and his thoughts. Finally, he looked up at me, his eyes swimming with unshed tears. "I remembered, at the end, Rachel. I looked up, and found you there, and I remembered why I lived."

We were suddenly in Kisten's boat, the dinner before us gone, and there was no table keeping me from him. I scooted over, and curled into his side, his arm wrapping around my shoulders with familiarity. Kisten leaned his head against mine, and we sat like this for some time. I was willing to wait, if only he would continue this conversation. Being on the boat with him hurt, as my own memories tried to come back and haunt me, but breathing in his scent, and feeling his warmth beside me was comforting enough.

"I'm not ready to move on yet," Kisten admitted to me, not for the first time. "But it's not because I want my death to be avenged. I just wish this hadn't ended so soon. It shouldn't have." Kisten lowered his head, his hair hiding his face from me.

I reached out and grabbed his free hand in between both of mine. "You have loose ends to tie up," I prompted, and Kisten nodded. "And I'm one of them," I finished lamely.

Kisten shook his head, "You are not a loose end I want to tie up, Rachel. If I could, I'd stay here, waiting for you, for a long time."

I smiled wistfully, "Ivy, too?"

Kisten graced me with a half grin. "What can I say? I'd wait for the both of you until time itself ended. You are both my lovely ladies, and I love you both very much."

Kisten reached over and kissed my cheek, and amended his statement, "Both for different reasons, of course."

"You've known Ivy much longer, Kisten. I'm no fool; she means more to you than I ever could."

Kisten grew rigid beside me, suddenly understanding my own foolish hangups. Was I jealous of Ivy? That she had loved Kisten on a much deeper level, and had received the same in return? Even if that love came at a cost? I didn't _think _I was jealous, but I knew my love for Kisten couldn't ever match her own.

Kisten's hand tightened on my own, "I think, Rachel, that with time, our love could have rivalled any other." He turned, and kissed me softly. "We weren't given enough time to let it blossom. And yes, that's one of the reasons I'm still here. We had something, but it wasn't given enough time to grow. And I hate when things are over…" he trailed off.

I smiled wistfully, and finished the sentence, "When so much is left undone?"

Kisten's face lit up in a smile, "Yes!" His arm came from around my shoulder, and suddenly he held my face in both of his hands. "You see? We did have something. And now we'll never know what it could have been. It hurts to know that."

Tears began to stream down my face, "It hurts me, too," I whispered, and Kisten leaned in to kiss me full on the lips. I clung to him, deepening the kiss. If I could live this moment forever, I would. But I sighed heavily as our lips parted, and I opened my eyes to my bedroom. I turned over, to look at the clock. It was noon, and time for me to get my butt out of bed. I had a run to do today, and I intended on being on time.

Outside my bedroom door, I could hear music being played in the living room. Feeling depressed as I always did upon waking up from these dreams, I pulled myself out of bed, and grabbed my favourite pair of leather pants. Throwing them on, with a warm, red sweater, I opened my door, and headed toward the kitchen. A few pixies buzzed around my head as I popped a bagel into the toaster and got the cream cheese out of the fridge. A new song came on the stereo in the living room, and I stopped short, listening to the lyrics. Was it really? Had Kisten and I not just spoke words from the song?

"I see you – the only one who knew me. And now your eyes see through me."

I choked on the tears that I had fought off since waking up. Ivy was listening to _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, and she could not possibly know what had been going on in my dreams. She just couldn't. I walked into the living room, the bagel forgotten, and stood in the centre of the room, looking at my roommate. She was sitting on the couch, dressed all in black, and looking like a goddess. She sat up straight as she caught sight of me. "What's wrong?" she asked.

I strode over, bent down, and hugged her tightly. God, how I missed him. And I knew she missed him, too. But we could get through this together – no matter how long the ache took to heal.


	3. Long Lost Love

Kisten's hands were roaming over my body, and I nipped the skin of his neck with the caps I was wearing, almost drawing blood, but not quite. I felt his sharp intake of breath, and he pressed his body against mine, so that I was aware of just what I was doing to him.

A mischievous smile crossed my face, as I returned to kissing him. As my lips pressed against his, I felt his hands tug at my shirt, and I paused momentarily to remove the offending clothing. His hands against my skin sent electric thrills down my spine, and I shivered against his fingertips.

He smiled up at me, and then flipped me over, so that he was hovering above me. I grinned, "So the tables have turned."

He ducked his head down, and nuzzled my neck, letting his own caps tease my skin. The thrill of having a vampire's teeth against my demon scar heightened my awareness, but I was well aware that his caps were keeping him from breaking skin. He teased the scar, letting my body react, and soon I was arching my back to him, wanting to feel all of him. Reaching up, I sunk my hands into his hair, and pulled so that he broke contact with my skin.

Kisten looked up at me, his blue eyes lost in his dilated pupils. A thrill coursed through me, as I brought my lips against his. His hands moved from my waist to my breasts, stroking through the fabric of the bra I wore. I tugged at his shirt, eager to be rid of the soft silk.

We paused again as he unbuttoned his shirt and cast it to the floor. And then he whispered roughly, "Moonshine bleeds into the dawn," and it was my warning.

I reached out, wrapped my arms around his neck, to bring him back down to my level, and I kissed him fervently, not wanting this to end. As I clung to him, raining kisses down upon his neck and shoulder, he said, "Who am I to say for you what's right and what is wrong?"

"Don't say a thing, Kisten," I whispered back, placing a kiss just below his jaw line.

He was quiet for some time, letting his fingers trace paths along my skin. He became focused on watching the goosebumps rise as his fingers passed over my upper arms, and I watched the emotions on his face – happiness, love, confusion, regret.

"You're like a song," I blurted out, wanting to explain, but not being able to. I knew I was talking about his life – all songs do come to an end, but I was in denial. I was here with him, in this moment, and I only wanted to see the good of this.

He looked up at me with a crooked grin on his face, "Whose melody is wrong." He finished my sentence, but I shook my head. "Not at all, Kisten. You are the most beautiful melody…"

"It's the same end for the weak as for the strong, Rachel," Kisten sighed, as he lay down beside me, and tangled his fingers in mine. "My ending just came too quickly." He lifted my hand to his lips, and kissed my knuckles. This kiss was chaste, and instead of feeling the chills from before, I just felt empty.

"I can't come back. If I could, you know I would." Kisten tightened his grip on my hand, and I closed my eyes.

"But it's so hard to say so long to you…" I whispered, and when I opened my eyes, I was lying in my bed by myself. Tears sprung from my eyes, and trickled down my cheeks. "My long lost love," I whispered, finishing my sentence. Would this never stop hurting?

I got out of the bed, and walked out into the sanctuary. Walking over to the pool table, I sat on the felt, and contemplated how I was going to get through this day.

Ivy walked in, and it was obvious that she had been out the entire night. She looked over at me, sitting on the pool table with my legs swinging so that my heels hit the bottom of the table.

She strode over, dropping her bag next to the table, and stood before me, not saying a word. I paused only briefly before I threw my arms around her. She hesitantly wrapped her arms around me, and we held the awkward hug for some time. She knew my pain, and I knew hers – even if it was much stronger than mine.

As we embraced, I heard Ivy whisper, "Why can't you see that I'm the one?"

Something stirred in me, but then I remembered Kisten's eyes, and pain extinguished all other emotions.

It's so so hard to say so long.

To you.

My long lost love.


	4. Miss Me, Baby

Kisten and I were at Piscary's, upstairs in the club. The music was off, and no one was around – just the two of us. A large pizza was sitting between us, and we were sitting in amiable silence, neither wanting to broach the subject that was looming over us.

The dreams were becoming infrequent as the days moved on, but I treasured each moment Kisten graced me with. Tonight was being spent in each other's company without many words passing between us. I didn't mind – if we spoke, it would be about the fact that he was dead and I was not. And I wasn't ready for that conversation just yet.

I missed him, I really did. My whole body ached for his touch, and I ached mentally for his calming words. And yet… it didn't hurt as much. And it scared me that it didn't. I hadn't dreamt of Kisten in three weeks, and it hadn't worried me. I wasn't just getting through the days anymore so that I could dream of him at night. I was living again – and Kisten was not.

A tear slipped down my cheek, and Kisten reached across the table to grasp my hand. Ignoring his reach, I picked up a slice of pizza and bit into it, enjoying the tang of the tomato sauce.

Kisten sighed and withdrew his hand. I looked at him from over my pizza slice. His blue eyes held a sad, resigned shine. "What's wrong?" I asked, licking the grease off my fingertips.

"It's been awhile," Kisten said, and I nodded. "I've been missing you. Have you missed me?"

I put my slice of pizza down, and studied him. His five o'clock shadow gave away the fact that he dyed his hair that perfect shade of blonde, but his blue eyes were riveting as always. "Of course I missed you, Kisten," I assured him, and reached out my own hand to grab his.

He tugged my hand up, and brought his lips to my knuckles, and kissed me. I smiled wistfully, wishing that this was real, that it wasn't just a dream. When he let go of my hand, I went back to eating my pizza.

Kisten pushed his chair away from the table, and stood, stretching. "This is becoming one sided, isn't it?" he asked.

I looked up at him in confusion. "I don't know what you mean."

"You're moving on. I don't think I'll ever move on, and I have to watch you learn to live again. One day I'll realize you haven't come to visit in months, and it will break my heart I think." Kisten sighed, and turned away from me.

Dropping my pizza, I stood from the table and walked up behind him. "I'm not moving on. I still love you."

I put my hand on his shoulder, feeling the soft silk of his dark red shirt under my fingertips. He turned to face me, and I let my hand trail along the fabric, and his shoulders. Kist looked down at me, and put his hands on my arms. "I don't doubt you love me, Rache. I just think you'll forget how strong that love was. One day you won't think of me at all anymore."

"I'll never forget you, Kist," I said, as I let my fingers trail over his jawline, to prove that I wanted to memorize him. His hands slid from my arms to around my waist, and he drew me closer to him. As I lay my head against his chest, I breathed deeply of vampire incense and leather. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and held on tight.

"No matter what I do, I'm never going to forget your smile. Everything reminds me of you – and it will always be this way," I murmured into his chest.

I felt him sigh against my hair, and we embraced in silence for some time. I enjoyed hearing his heart beat beneath the thin silk shirt, and I let my fingers tangle in his hair. His arms tightened around me suddenly, and I heard him whisper, "Miss me, baby," in such a heart-wrenching way. I lifted my head up to look into his eyes.

I opened my eyes to find myself lying on my stomach, my arms wrapped around my pillow. Instead of tears coming to my eyes, I felt an uneasiness grow in the pit of my stomach. Would I eventually forget about Kisten? Would the pain become bearable? Would I eventually move on, find new love? I soon realized the feeling was guilt.

I could move on, and he couldn't. He would never find a new love; I could. I didn't want to though. It seemed so wrong. All of the things I could be doing that he would never do again.

But the tears didn't come. Depressed, I got out of bed, and threw the pillow away from me.

I wouldn't forget him. I wouldn't! I would always miss Kisten. Wouldn't I?


	5. Lost In this Moment with you

The light from the TV flickered against Kisten's pale hair, as he picked up the remote and pressed the mute button. Setting down my cup of tea, I curled a leg under me, and faced Kisten, smiling a bit. "What's up?" I asked, ready to discuss whatever was on his mind.

It was a good evening; whatever the conversation, it would be light.

Kisten tucked his hair behind an ear, and looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes. Kisten didn't say a word, instead he just smiled, the warmth of it reaching his eyes. My own smile grew larger at the sight of it. "What?"

Kisten leaned forward, "What?" he repeated, as his arm snaked around my shoulders, and he rested his forehead against my own.

"Why are you smiling like that?" I asked, enjoying the moment.

"I'm not allowed to smile?" Kisten asked, and kissed me, his lips barely touching my skin and yet sending shivers down my spine all the same.

I leaned closer, and pressed my lips against his, confirming that he was indeed in front of me, and that I wasn't just dreaming. "Well, when you smile like that, you're always up to something, Kisten," I replied, as he reached out and let the backs of his fingers trail down my cheek. I leaned my head into his touch, and he gently cupped my jaw in his palm, his fingertips caressing my earlobe.

I closed my eyes, and breathed deeply of leather and vampire incense, memorizing every last detail of the moment. It was rare for this to happen. I couldn't remember the last time Kisten and I had had a quiet moment to ourselves. It had been so long.

As I listened to the silence, Kisten leaned in again and pressed his lips against mine, drawing me closer as his hand slipped from my cheek, and tangled in my red curls. His kisses started soft, but turned more fervent as I unconsciously leaned closer to him, pressing myself against his chest.

The boat rocked gently, as he suddenly put his hand against the small of my back, and scooted my down the couch. I straightened my legs out, and pressed into the back of the couch, as I felt him hover over me for a second before I opened my eyes. When I did, I was greeted by that devious smile again.

He moved so that one leg was resting between mine on the couch, and the other held his weight against the floor. Putting a hand on either side of my head, he supported his weight, and leaned in for another kiss. His kisses strayed from my lips and made a fluttering trail down my jaw line to the curve of my neck. When he continued the dance of wet kisses down my neck to my collar bone, my hands reached up and into his long hair.

I curled my fingers around his hair as his kisses went farther south. He stopped the trail at the edge of my shirt, and made a small sound of frustration. Laughing at his frustration, I used my hold to bring his head back up to my level. He looked into my eyes as if looking for a cue.

Instead of letting him find that cue, I let my hands fall from his hair to his shoulders, and reached up to meet his lips with my own. I kneaded my fingers into the muscles of his shoulders and back as I drew my own line of kisses from the corner of his mouth, down his jaw line, to meet the end of the line at his earlobe.

I felt more than heard him sigh as I grazed my teeth across his earlobe, and then bit down gently. For a brief moment he continued to hold his weight above me, but when I sent my tongue tracing the contours of his ear, he sank down onto the couch, letting his weight drop comfortably on my chest. One of his hands snaked up and grasped my hair, tugging gently as I continue to focus on his ear, enjoying the reaction I was getting out of him.

Kisten broke the contact, moving his head far enough from my reach. I reached my hands back up to his hair, and tried to tug him back to me, but he would have none of that. The smile still played upon his lips as he sent his hand down my side, and up over my breast. He leaned toward me again, and kissed me full on the mouth, letting his tongue slip across my lips in invitation. I opened my lips and let my tongue slip through to meet with his, as I felt his hand graze across my nipple through my shirt. An unconscious hiss escaped me as I felt the tingles of sensation ripple through my body, and Kisten drew back from kissing me long enough to chuckle.

Looking up at that devious smile, I tugged on his hair, forcing him to put his head back and expose his neck to my scrutiny. Without my caps, nipping his neck was just a tease, but I found myself varying between small kisses and tiny nicks against his skin. As I teased him, I found him lifting his weight from me with one arm so that he could begin to unbutton my shirt with his free hand. I stopped my kisses and waited for him to look at me.

When his eyes met mine, I smiled. His own smile still had not left his face, and I made a mental note to work at distracting him from whatever thoughts he had going on. With my shirt finally unbuttoned, he helped me out of it, and set to work removing my bra as well. Finished with his task, he leaned me back down on the couch, and began to kiss me again, letting his tongue slip between my teeth. His hands whispered across my skin, raising goose bumps, and causing me to shiver.

Kisten sent a rough palm up over my breast and across my nipple, sending shivers down my spine. Gaining some control over myself, I quickly sent my hands down the buttons of his silk shirt, and slipped it off his shoulders. He shrugged the rest of the way out of it, and pulled me into his lap, showering kisses over my cheeks, my eyelids, even my nose.

Kisten was in a reflective and sensual mood, it seemed.

"I love you," he whispered, as I lifted my chin so he could place a kiss in the hollow of my neck.

My hands gripped the back of his neck, "I love you, too," I whispered back.

He dropped his kisses down my neck, one little wet tingle of feeling at a time. When he took my nipple into his mouth, and gently grazed his sharp teeth against it, I shivered. His arm behind me tightened its hold, keeping my balance for me, as he continued to send bursts of feeling through my body. Each lightning bolt of feeling seemed to connect deep within the pit of my stomach, and soon I wasn't thinking clearly anymore.

I dropped my head and took his mouth with mine, asking, pleading, demanding for more. My fingers fumbled against his belt, trying to tug it undone. Kisten chuckled and ran his fingers into my hair as I worked against the damn piece of leather. What was the point of these things? Why bother hold up the pair of pants when I only intended to take them off?

When I had successfully undone the belt, my reward was to feel his fingers rake across my scalp. I stopped momentarily to enjoy having my hair tugged back. When he paused to kiss my lips, I went back to work unbuttoning his pants, and unzipping them. With that done, there was little more I could do without getting off his lap. I slowly slid from him, letting my hand slide across him, feeling just how ready he was.

I stood from the couch and pulled him up with me, only to tug his pants down, to let them puddle at his ankles. He grinned, the smile that would never leave his face. I pushed his underwear down and waited impatiently for him to step out of them and sit back on the couch. When I did I stepped toward him, only to have him put his hands on my waist and centre me between his legs. He leaned forward and traced kisses down my stomach to the edge of my jeans. With one hand he quickly unbuttoned them, and tugged them quickly down.

He glanced up at me, watching my face for any signs, and then his hands pulled away my underwear and he pulled me down on top of him. We tumbled onto the couch, a blur of limbs and kisses. He focused on my breasts, kissing and caressing as I lowered my head to take his earlobe between my teeth and give it a gentle tug.

A moan escaped me, and I lost coherent thought again. He took the moment to flip me over on the couch, and to hover above me. Through half closed eyes I saw the smile still upon his face. "What are you thinking?" I asked, wonderingly.

His smile grew larger, "What do you think?" he whispered, and sent his hand grazing across my stomach. As his hand slipped between my legs, I gasped, and sent my hands to his hair, to drag his smiling face closer to mine. I kissed him fiercely, letting him know just the kind of effect he was having on me. I heard him grunt in satisfaction as he slipped first one, and then two fingers inside me, his thumb rubbing in circular motions in just the right spot.

The movements of his fingers nearly had me climaxing, but just when I was about to, he drew back, slipping his hand away, and enticing me all the more. Such cruelty.

I reached out, letting my hand encircle his member, rubbing, running my thumb up over the head, and just along the underside. I watched as he closed his eyes, and let out a deep sigh, all the while, that tiny smile still upon his lips. When I moved so that I could line things up, he took the initiative and slipped in. I arched my back to receive him, and circled my arms around his neck, digging my fingers into his shoulders.

At first the pace was slow. He moved back and forth, one hand on my breast, the other behind my head, while he kissed me, his tongue teasing me through his teeth. I traced my nails down his back, as he began to quicken speed, and I stopped kissing him in favour of moving my lips over to his ear and gently kissing there. As I felt his pace shift, I bit down, daring myself to draw blood, but not quite able to.

He let out his breath roughly, as I worked at the sensitive area of his ear, and suddenly his hand was between us, pressing down against that spot of electric pulses, as he continued to move back and forth. I let out an involuntary yelp as I felt myself reach the edge, and he quickly drew his hand away, teasing, taunting, trying to prolong the ecstasy.

I bared my teeth in frustration and pleasure, wishing I had my caps. If I had, blood would be spilt across my tongue at this moment, and the thought nearly drove me nuts. As if sensing what I wanted, Kisten lifted his head up, exposing the soft skin of his neck, "Try," he urged, and I send my lips across his neck, kissing the sensitive spots. As he continued to move against me, inside me, I bit down with my dull teeth, and was excited to find a trickle of blood seep through his skin and onto my tongue.

The salty tang of his blood tasted wonderfully of him, and I tugged on the tiny tear in his skin. I heard him moan through the ecstasy and suddenly his hand was back between us, his thumb rubbing, rubbing, rubbing. I stopped my tug on his blood, just as I felt the climax about to rise. I threw my head up, and bucked up to meet him, taking him as fully as I could as ripples of sensation washed through me.

As he felt my release, he moved deeper, quicker, until moments after he drove deep and stayed there, his whole body shivering for a few moments. I showered kisses upon his face, as I felt a few tremors, and then he was lowering himself on top of me, already of the knowledge that I was not quite able to let go just yet. I put my arms around his neck, and hugged him close, as he kissed my eyelids.

"I just want to be lost in this moment with you forever" he whispered to me, as my hands pressed against his hair.

I smiled up at him, only to find that his own smile was gone, and instead tears stood in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I whispered, and he just shook his head, trying to smile for me.

"Nothing, love," he whispered back, just as the sound of someone pounding on the door above sounded. I groaned, and tightened my arms around his neck, squeezing my eyes shut, as if that could make the intruder go away.

When I reopened them, I was curled up in my own bed, my arms wrapped around my pillow, listening to someone pound on the front door of the church. Within moments the sound stopped as Ivy answered the door. I could hear hushed voices in the sanctuary, but it did not concern me.

It _had_ been just a dream. But he had felt so real, he had been right there. With me.

I burst into tears.

I wanted to turn back time, I wanted to be back in the dream. I wanted to be lost in that moment, I did. So long as I was with Kisten, I never wanted to wake up again.

The tears came fresh, and renewed, as I had to deal with missing Kisten's love yet again.


	6. Love Me Like That

"Your skin is so soft. So are your kisses."

I closed my eyes, and let my fingers slide through Kisten's hair, as I continued to trace my kisses along the line of his neck.

His words, spoken quietly, sent a shock of warmth through me.

Kist's hands ran slowly up and down my back in circles. I scooted down the couch a bit and let my head rest against his chest.

I sighed in contentment, happy to lie with him on the couch, with the boat rocking slowly on the water. After some time, I finally pushed myself up toward Kisten with my feet against the end of the couch, so that we were looking eye to eye. He smiled at me, and I smiled back before leaning down and kissing him.

Kisten's arms tightened around me, as I continued to kiss him. Kisten's tongue parted my lips, and our kisses grew more urgent.

"Mm," the sound escaped Kisten's throat, and just that little acknowledgement of my kisses sent a thrill down my spine. Kisten's kisses moved down my jaw, as he slowly pushed my head back. I gasped as his kisses reached my ear, and I felt his teeth lightly play across my earlobe.

Too soon, Kisten stopped, and I felt his hand slide across my curls, as he closed his eyes and grew pensive. I settled myself closer to him, resting my head against his chest to hear his heart beat. I snuggled closer, breathing in his unique scent, and relaxing. His one hand rested on my head, his fingers twining through my curls, while his other was at the small of my back, a light weight against my sweater.

"Rachel," Kisten said softly, and my head shot up, as I was startled out of a sleepy haze. I had been caught somewhere between awake and asleep, and the sound of Kisten's voice, and the rumble in his chest had brought me back to the waking world.

"Yes?" I mumbled, as I let my head fall back again, my eyes open but unfocused.

"Why do you think we're always on the boat, Rachel?" Kisten asked.

A thread of fear whispered through my mind. "What do you mean?" I pulled myself up, and sat on the end of the couch, by Kisten's feet. In one smooth motion, he was sitting next to me, his arm slung over the couch behind me. I pressed into his side, enjoying his warmth.

"Well love, it seems like you keep coming to visit me on my boat." Kisten smiled at me, sadness behind his blue gaze.

"That's not true. You've come over to the church," I stammered, and Kisten gave me a knowing look. "We even met for coffee once!" I exclaimed.

"You're right, of course," Kisten said, as his arm brushed against my neck. "But does it not seem odd that for the most part, we meet here, at the boat?"

I bit my lip. "What does it matter if we meet on the boat?" I asked, feeling the fear deepen within my gut.

"That's what I'm asking," Kisten smiled and leaned in to plant a kiss at the corner of my mouth. "It must mean something, love. I was just wondering why you want us to meet here."

"I don't know Kisten. This just seems like the perfect meeting place, you know?" I asked, and turned to kiss him before he could talk further. But Kisten broke the kiss off so that it could be no more than a chaste peck on the lips.

"I'm serious, Rache. I want to know why." Kisten looked at me, his blue eyes wide and serious.

I shrugged my shoulders, unsure myself why I would always suggest the boat. Something tugged at the back of my mind. Something was off.

"Is it because of the happy memories, Rachel?" Kisten asked, as he continued to look at me with his blue eyes, "Or is it because of something else?"

"I… I don't understand," I said quietly, and felt a memory tug at the back of my mind. I chose to ignore it.

Kisten sighed. "You do understand, love. You are just choosing to pretend you don't."

"Why is this so important to you, Kisten?" I asked suddenly, as I turned on the couch to face him fully. "Why can't we just live in peace, and not think about meaning."

"It's all I have," Kisten said, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I have you, and I have the meaning that you bring into my life now."

"Kisten, don't say that. You have everything. A club, your boat, all the people who care about you…" I trailed off as I watched him shake his head sadly.

"You know that's not true, Rache. I have nothing now."

I shivered as the memory I was repressing tried to rear its ugly head once more. I really _was_ forgetting something extremely important. It seemed a familiar pattern to me at this point, as well. Being able to forget an important part of… something.

"I'm only going to ask once more, love," Kisten said. "Why the boat?"

For a moment, it seemed his eyes were silver with death, but they were blue again before I could even register it. And that's when it hit me. His death hit me just as hard as the first time, and my focus became blurry with tears. "It's not because you died here, Kisten," I whispered, scared my voice would crack with emotion.

"Are you sure?" Kisten asked.

I shook my head, "It can't be. I come here because this is where I felt your love. All the times we had supper on the boat, when we came here to relax. This is where you gave me my birthday present," my eyes grew wide as I remembered the little caps he had given me so that I had the option of breaking his skin. The ecstasy I had felt that night whispered through me, and I realized that that was the last time we had touched each other before he had died.

I closed my eyes and felt the tears that had filled them cascade down my cheeks.

"Is that why, Rachel? For the love?" Kisten asked, and I felt his hands on my shoulders.

I nodded, even though my eyes were closed.

"I love you, Rachel," came his soft voice, and his lips pressed against mine in a sweet kiss.

I opened my eyes to the living room. Pixy children were flitting about the room, chasing each other in some game of tag. I felt the tears continue to flow, as a fresh wash of pain enveloped me. I sat up, and wiped my eyes, trying to hide the tears from the children.

Jenks flew up to me, and mistaking my red eyes for sleepy, he put his hands on his hips and gave me a stern look, "Get your lazy ass up, witch. We have a run in twenty minutes. Do I have to be your alarm clock now as well?"

He flitted off, and I got to my feet slowly. Right. A run. Life was moving on, but Kisten was being left behind.


End file.
